A Father in My Future

Just over one year ago I began writing this blog. It was an incident at a Ranger game on my birthday that inspired me to put pen to paper, so to speak, and share my thoughts with whomever was willing to listen. The writer within me was awakened. I had found a channel for my musings. So, I wrote about being thirty-three. I reflected on how far I had come and regretted my shortcomings that had followed me thus far. I found myself contemplating a bit on where I had been and who I was becoming. I took a moment to look back over the years and consider my life up to that point. I paused to examine my past and ponder its influence on my life's path.

This year I found myself back at Ameriquest Field for my birthday in familiar surroundings. My brother took me to the Rangers game on Tuesday. Similar to last year, Texas lost the game. There was action in the seats again near the same section as before caused by equipment leaving the field of play and entering the spectator's area. Julio Franco, playing for Atlanta, unexpectedly lost his grip on the bat while swinging at a missed pitch. He flung his stick into the crowd of fans on the third base side where we were sitting. Without enough time to react, two people received the brunt of the bat's force as it landed about eight rows in front of us. Both received medical attention for the minor injuries they sustained and thankfully no one else was badly hurt. It was also good that no overzealous fans caused any ugly scenes this time scrambling after a souvenir. It wound up that a young kid was able to retrieve the bat without any interference.

What made this year different for me, though, was the conversation shared with my brother behind home plate in the Gold Club during the latter half of the game. While the Braves continued to improve their lead over us, Michael and I turned our attention to more serious concerns. Over scotch on the rocks we discussed a matter that weighed heavy on our hearts and minds that night. Speaking to one another was a needed release for the feelings we were having regarding the matter; our father had just been diagnosed five days earlier with thyroid cancer. During a planned surgery the growth was discovered. Testing came back and it was confirmed that dad's thyroid contained two types of cancer. One was slow growth and benign. The other was aggressive and malignant. What little information we had about dad's condition wasn't encouraging. Our thoughts were consumed with what course of action should be taken next. We were focused on the immediate future for our dad and the necessary assistance he would need to diagnose and treat this condition. Hopefully the research hospital MD Anderson in Houston would accept him, diagnosis the cancer, and provide treatment. Only time would tell. After exhausting our thoughts about the immediate future, we eventually discussed what impact this would have on what lay even further ahead for both our families.

It's hard to imagine "what ifs" and "maybes". We want to be hopeful of a good outcome, but we can't help to wonder about other likelihoods as well. Though we will never lose faith, statistics can be disheartening. Certain realities begin to settle into our thoughts after the shock wears off from a revelation like that. We are suddenly made aware of a possibly different future than the one we had previously imagined before hearing such unwelcome news. It becomes hard to consider a future without... dad. Even though we now know that our father will be receiving the best possible support for this rare form of cancer, uncertanties linger after every thought of his condition and expected treatment. The cancer may have been discovered early enough to prevent it from spreading too quickly throughout the rest of his body, but... we don't know yet. This cancer could be 100% curable with radiation and chemotherapy, or... the doctors haven't come to any conclusions yet. There are others who have beaten this cancer with early detection and proper treatment, and... we will have to wait and see. I am optimistic and hold onto to the hope of a bright future for my father.

I am thirty-four now. Another year older. I have changed jobs and professions since my last birthday. My outlooks and views have shifted somewhat. I have begun looking ahead to a future that didn't even exist one year ago. My wife and I now share the joy of an expected child on the way. She is pregnant and due to deliver in December. Becoming a father is starting to affect me in ways that I hadn't thought about before. I have begun to look ahead towards the future more so than I have done in the past. I realize for the first time in my life that I am about to become more defined not by what lies behind me but by what lies ahead: fatherhood. While past experiences have worked to shape me thus far, my future is filled with the responsibilities that come with fathering a child. Thusly, I have been focused on what's to come, on the future, on what will be tomorrow. Recent events have understandably intensified feelings about those thoughts and expectations. The future has never looked so promising and yet so uncertain.

I am consumed by thoughts of a father in my future.