Obvious Oxymoron

Oftentimes, there appears a section in the newspaper where corrections are noted for mistakes made in the previous day's printing. Usually it's to acknowledge the right photographer for a picture or to correctly identify folks who were misnamed in captions; pretty minor stuff, but it's important to set the record straight and admit when an error has been made. Occassionally, mistakes are made on a larger scale such as the famous Chicago Tribune headline that incorrectly reported "DEWEY DEFEATS TRUMAN" back in '48. (I always wondered how that one was explained to readers in the paper the next day.) Well, in today's Fort Worth Star Telegram I saw a corrections section that made me laugh at not only what was erroneously printed but also at the attempt to correct the situation.

"Correct horoscopes for Monday and Tuesday" read the headline above a short paragraph stating that horoscopes printed in the paper earlier this week were incorrect. Following that statement were the corrected versions of Monday's and Tuesday's horoscopes printed in their entirety. Talk about totally useless information! As if printing horoscopes wasn't already a waste of space in the paper, here's a correction of information that is no longer relevant, if it was ever really relevant at all. What an irony!

Will those who depend on these prognostications be relieved to hear that former predictions for their love life, career, and financial matters which didn't turn out quite as expected a few days ago were simply errors in printing? Will the updated horoscopes cause them to reconsider moves they may have made in relationships or investments that was based on mistaken advice? Will they ever even realize that is doesn't really matter which day's advice they follow anyways, because the advice intended for Capricorns is just as benignly helpful (or just as totally useless) for someone who is a Pisces or a Libra?

Who reads that crap anyways? It all sounds like upbeat pep talk from a personal coach that would apply to any person on any given day of the week or year. For example, here's a sampling of the "incorrect" horoscopes:

Scorpio- Cheerful chatter makes the day go more smoothly.
Gemini- Use your imagination.
Leo- Don't let doubts undermine confidence.
Virgo- Listen to your intuitions and rely on your instincts.
Taurus- "Do no harm" to make it through treacherous scenarios.

What's funny is that all of the "corrected" horoscopes for that same day encourage romantic encounters in relation to the summer solstice, with things like:

Scorpio- Spend blissful moments of togetherness with a loved one this evening.
Gemini- A certain someone has enough passion to set off amorous fireworks.
Leo- Those in steady relationships will find that love runs smooth...
Virgo- Romantic ideas may be ready for consumption.
Taurus- Enjoy the longest day of the year in the arms of a favorite romantic partner.

Can you imagine someone who takes this stuff seriously bemoaning the chance to "set off amorous fireworks" after finding out about the missed opportunity days later? It's absurd really.

Perhaps the paper should print a correction every day in reference to the horoscopes that states, "Today you should live your life without basing your decision on any predetermined forces acting towards you based on your day of birth or the celestial alignment of the heavens. Stop waiting for a horoscope to tell you when to date, start a new career, end a business dealing, take a chance on a new opportunity, etc. Realize that in your search for meaning and a higher power you've mistakenly relied on information and advice which is just as useless to you whether it's printed in error or not."

Hmmph... "correct horoscopes" is an obvious oxymoron.